It’s always better in the morning.

I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while, but to tell the truth, I just haven’t felt up for it. I have had fun times the past week, but mostly, it’s been dwarfed by my increasing sense of frustration over, well, everything basically. Another week has just flown by, with nothing much getting done each day, but new problems constantly arising. It all reached a breaking point yesterday evening, but as I woke up this morning, I felt it was something I inevitably had had to go through. And today, under yet another rare blue sky, I felt I’ve reached some conclusions during my brief time here. Guidelines for me to remember for the rest of my stay in China, if you will.

Everything takes twice or thrice as long, it’s all unclear and the bureaucracy is astounding:

This entire week I’ve had registration procedures at Beida. Instead of increasing the efficiency by giving us all the information and taking care of all the procedures at once or at least as soon as possible, they do it little by little every day.
Unclarity – they have no idea how to give information. Crucial information about tests and registration is given in discreet little notices, all in Chinese. For foreigners. Where’s the logic? Also, today I noticed something that I’d say is typically Chinese: long lists with people’s names and their oral exam times are posted on a wall. Close by is the foreign students’ office. Lots of people’s names aren’t on the lists for various reasons (mine being one of them as well) and naturally, these people have no idea where their oral exam is or even if they’re in the system at all. In Sweden, there would be a clear note next to the lists giving relevant information for those not on the list. But because there isn’t, concerned students file into the office, asking the same questions: why am I not on the list? What am I supposed to do? You’d think by then someone would put up a notice. No. Instead, the office staff is impatient with the students’ questions, giving answers in rapid-fire Chinese and dismissing them right afterwards. Had they, oh I don’t know, PUT UP A NOTICE, they wouldn’t have been bothered so much and everything would be clearer.
Another example: yesterday I did the written language placement test, and was one of the students not on the oral exam list. When all of us asked what was happening, the security guards (there are a lot of them here, in every bigger store/hotel/public place. They look scary but are basically hired for their ability to stand straight an entire day) ran up and asked the teachers in charge at least seven times. Did we get a clear answer? No. One answer was, our results were so good we could skip the oral exam, another some time later, that they’d lost our exams so we’d have to re-take them, and the final answer was “Go there-and-there at 8.30 AM, and they’ll tell you then.”
Turns out – in my case at least – I apparently did so well on the written exam that I could choose to take university courses in Chinese and not study Chinese as a foreigner if I wanted to. That was truly a surprise; I had no idea I did so well. I didn’t even have time to answer 20 questions (out of 160 questions), but I guess the ones I did answer I got mostly right. Go me! After all the stressful stuff this week, I’m glad I got something right at least.
But back to my point. Seven trips to the teachers in charge and they still weren’t able to give this kind of information until this morning. Does that make any sense at all?
I have more examples, but these are the most recent ones.
Re: bureaucracy, I must’ve filled out and received more official (tempted to put that in citation marks) papers and stamps these two weeks than ever before in my life. And it’s not just me, it’s all of China. I constantly catch myself thinking that maybe Terry Pratchett wasn’t so overboard with his Agatean Empire.

Everyone who isn’t your friend or relative is mean, out to screw you over, or at the very least plain rude and unhelpful:

Yesterday me and Hannah feared we wouldn’t have Internet for a year. (You have no idea how paralyzingly frightening that is. Just try and picture it.) Today we went to the Internet place, inquired thoroughly and it was clear it was possible after all. Could the Internet guy maybe have supplied the additional information the first time around? In Sweden, the conversation would go somewhat according to this pattern:
“No, it’s not possible due to x.”
“But we can’t be Internetless for a year!”
“I’m sorry, but you can do y instead, it’s a bit more inconvenient but it’s a solution.”
“Thank you!”

Here, it was something like this:
“No it’s not possible due to x.”
“But we can’t be Internetless for a year!”
“Well, it’s not possible due to x.”
Later, when prompted:
“Could you do y instead and get Internet?””Yes.”

GAHHH!! What’s the point of asking for help if you have to know a possible solution first and actually SUGGEST it on your own?

Oh, and don’t even get me started on people on the bus and the street. Or that first landlady/hag. Or the nightmare contract signing. Or all the Beida staff and police officers I’ve met. (actually that’s not true, the one in charge of my oral exam today was actually very nice. He even smiled. Him and the security guards yesterday are the only friendly Beijingers I’ve met so far outside of the friends/relatives social circle) It’s amusing to hear the pleasant automatic messages on the bus drown in the cacophony of people packed together insulting each other. It really is a culture shock, coming from a country where people don’t interact more than necessary, but when they do, at least they’re civil to each other. It sounds paradoxical, but fact is: As I’m sitting on a Beijing bus, looking like any other Chinese, I’ve never felt more Swedish my entire life.
I never realized just how Swedish I am, in mind and spirit, until now. I sometimes feel I’m on another planet blending in with the aliens, while being completely different from them inside. Going to the Swedish embassy this week (for voting) felt like coming home. I always thought I was part Chinese personality-wise as well, but now I’m really beginning to wonder how big that part actually is. Does it change depending on where I am? Or is it just that I’ve been instilled with certain selected values that I’ve seen in precious few Chinese people? Or is it just the simple fact that like in any other big city in the world – London, New York, etc. – people have to have a hard façade just to survive?
If so, this is my first step towards creating my own façade. From now on, if they’re not friends or relatives, they’re bastards and out to screw with you unless proven innocent. It sounds harsh but hey, if it’ll get me through this year..

The pace in Beijing makes Stockholm look like a sleepy village:

What’s here today could be gone tomorrow. What’s fixed now could change in a second. Never take anything for granted unless signed, sealed and delivered, and not even then.
I think this will be the biggest challenge I have to face. No matter how stressful things can be in Sweden, there’s always a sense of some kind of predictability. Things could change, but the basics won’t.
Here, there’s no such thing. With a government of absolute power and everything muddled and unclear, I can’t take anything for granted. This has been one of the biggest reasons for my frustration and bad mood lately, because nothing – and it is literally nothing – ever goes according to plan. You can’t count on anything. As an old Chinese saying goes, 计划不如变化快。Planning is never faster than a change of plans.

As people know, I don’t like losing control. Losing control is losing, plain and simple. This year, my biggest challenge will be to try and take things in stride, and face both success and obstacles level-headedly. There are so many factors here that I have no control over from the start, and the only thing I can do is not let it get to me emotionally.
If I can do that, I’m going to have the amazing time in Beijing that I’ve hoped for and dreamt about.


Lastly, random fun stuff:

- my memories of Beijing was of a city with eternal smog. So far, I’ve seen two days with bright blue skies rivalling those of Sweden. It’s the storms the night before that temporarily lifts the smog clouds. I never realized a simple thing like a clear blue sky and direct sunlight on your face could be such a joy.
- Beijing is so much more awesome with good music in your mp3.
- I bought an adorable pair of heels yesterday. I feel my shopping mojo returning full force.. (even if things are considerably more expensive here than I thought, at least if you want some kind of quality)
- Hannah seems awesome. I’m so glad I’m sharing a flat with her.
- I’m going out tonight with the Swedish boys – Patrik, Tobias, Olov and Peter – and Hannah, maybe some others as well. It’s going to be awesome! Last time was so much fun, I hope this time will be as well.

Take care y'all.